Anxiety

I had an anxiety attack early this morning.

I was feeling nervous about some work I was supposed to do – photography, non professional, of solar installations down at the DKA site this morning. I was also feeling slightly grumpy about having to get at 4amish, in order to be there at 6.15, for a 6.30 start. Getting to bed at 12am didn’t help. But I just assumed that I would be okay, that I would get to sleep almost straight a way, sleep soundly, then wake up, albeit groggily, to the alarm ath 4.10am. I would then have a piece of the healthy carrot cake I made, (very little sugar, half wholemeal flour, walnuts and sunflour seeds, no frosting) drink the yougurt drink ‘d made up hop, onto my bike, and go. I was kinda looking forward to the bikeride actually. DKA is probably about thirteen kilometers from my house, a nice distance to cycle early in the morning.

Didn’t happen. I was so nervous. About the work. About potentially sleeping through my alarm. About the busy two weeks I have ahead of me (I’m sitting here thinking “f*ck! how will I fit it all in? Should be doing it, not winging on a blog noone reads! Fuck!)

I was anxious about a mate dropping in on me in the afternoon when I was doing the second shoot, a mate who, while nice and well meaning and all, I adamantly do not want dropping in on me casually, especially while I am working, because he is often usually patronising towards me, and that makes me anxious. And yes, I have brought this up with him, many times, (so has a mutual friend, who is an Aboriginal Elder) to no avail. I usually just give him shit because of his belittling attitude towards me. Now he thinks I’m immature and “sometimes wonders what goes through my mind.” I tried to tell him, but he doesn’t listen, another one of our moot points. Gah.

But I disgress.

I woke up after tossing and turning and only light sleep, thinking, “must be near 4am. Don’t want to get up. So hungry.” It was 2.39am. Feeling somewhat grateful, but thinking “an hour and a half isn’t enough” I stumbled up, had a piece of carrot cake, then went back to bed, hoping that I would fall asleep straight away.

Didn’t happen. More tossing and turning. It must have been near 4am, when the heart palpitations began. Which are a sign of the Dreaded Anxiety. Not as severely as I used to get them, thank christ. I am starting to get better, I tell myself, and I drink lots less coffee, which seemed to be is as responsible, if not more so than the anxiety.

One of the problems, for me anyway, of heart palpitations is that it messes with my concentration (which mercifully, is on the rise/mend these days). Anxiety and depression already does that big time. When my heart started beating so fast, alongside my lack of sleep and general nervousness, I knew it was pointless going in, that even a 13km bike ride couldn’t settle my nerves. That there was no way that I could do the job in this state.

I hate it I hate it I hate it.

I lay in bed trying to calm myself down and trying, not so successfully, to fall asleep, because my heart was beating so fast. I thought back to Sunday, tried to remember how much coffee and tea I had drunk, if that could have influence my fast-beating heart. I concluded that I hadn’t had enough tea and coffee to warrant these heart palpitations, which concerned me. Then I remembered I’d also had a fair bit of some Lindt dark chocolate. And not enough “real food” Damn. Sigh. But some relief. I knew than that it was only a matter of “waiting it out” That my heart would stop racing, that I would be less jittery and that I would sort of be okay.

I remember when I used to spend days, weeks sometimes in this state, only more severe. My anxiety was worse then, and I used to drink a lot more coffee and eat much more chocolate that I do now, as well as tonnes more sugar.

My anxiety is less severe now, though obviously debilitating at times. The attacks are less frequent, less severe and shorter. I recall those former days of anxiety with a shudder, and with anger. I just hope that they never come back.

I suppose I should sort out this photo thingy.

Update: I can do the afternoon shot today and a morning shot sometime this week, so long as it isn’t too cloudy. Apparantly there is going to be “some cloud” all week. Not that that means much cloud here in the Alice.